Irony. Such a profound word, isn't it?
Tonight I've been struggling with discouragement. And probably, if I am honest with myself, jealousy as well. The crazy thing is that I've just recently written posts on "where is your focus?" and also one on "encouragement."
The second part of the irony is that I realized that I had just posted on those two topics and laughed out loud. In the midst of discouragement; laughter. Although there wasn't any real happiness or joy to be had in my heart in that moment; I laughed.
I'm not normally one to get discouraged or depressed. My mind tends to operate in more of a logical state than an emotional one. So why the discouragement? What is at the root of my emotional state? As I sat and reflected, asking myself that question, many things flooded to mind.
I want to be further along with the curriculum for girls than I am.
I wanted to have lost more weight than I have at this point.
I can't seem to get the entire house clean at the same time and although I know that isn't the most important thing in life; it's kind of driving me crazy!
I sense my husband's building frustration with his work and I can't fix it for him.
The over-riding theme - failure; with a hint of hopelessness.
Will I ever finish this curriculum? And even if I do will it be any good?
Will I ever lose this weight or will I have to concede and buy larger clothes?
Will I ever get my house back in order?
Will my husband get a new job or will this one ever turn around?
As I delved deeper it hit me. These thoughts are not from God. This heaviness of spirit is not of Him. I know truth. I know hope that far outweighs the struggles of this life; why am I dwelling here in this discouraged place? It's not making me feel any better. It's not solving anything. Most likely it is the enemy of my soul trying to distract me from something that God has to show me...
So I began to pray. I prayed for forgiveness for allowing myself to agree with these negative thoughts. I prayed against the enemy of my soul. I prayed specifically for each of those areas laying them anew at the feet of the cross. I began to pour out my fears and my hopes before Him about each area. I prayed for my husband. That God would encourage his heart. That He would allow me to be an encouragement to him and that our house (regardless of it's complete cleanliness) would be as an oasis in a desert to him each day as he came home. That God would make a way - whether it would be a new job or through this job- for him to enjoy his position and I thanked God for providing for our needs. I had a good cry (which I almost never do - except when I am at MOPS...;) ) and I just rested in His presence and His covering for awhile.
Then I realized it was getting late and I hadn't written a post for tomorrow yet. I began to pray that God would give me something to share and He prompted my heart with one last glimpse of irony; He already had.
Finding peace & rest in Him,
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