Marital Moments Issue 15 - The Twelve Days of Christmas!

I love the group Switchfoot's song, "This Is Your Life." The chorus is what first grabbed my attention:

"This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be

When the world was younger and you had everything to lose"

A big part of why this song speaks to me is that it puts the responsibility back on me. Steps on my toes so to speak. The Lord often uses music to speak to my heart. The question for this segment is:

"This is your marriage, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?"

This is an idea that the Lord gave me awhile back when our marriage needed some "refreshing." Regardless of where you are at in your marriage, it is important that you pursue your spouse; that you are willing to take the initiative in making your marriage all that God intended for it to be. Which leads me back to the title, "The Twelve Days of Christmas!"

We have an opportunity to bless our spouses and deepen our marriages with a very small amount of effort and time.

Here is how it works. For 12 days -anytime between now and Christmas-you (we - I will be doing this along with you all!): commit to pray for your spouse and you try to give to them in ways that speak their love language. If you are not familiar with "The Five Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman check it out atwww.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

Each day you will "give" them something. This does not have to be material gifts. I will give more specific ideas in a moment. On the first day, you simply write a note (or wrap a note in a box) and place it somewhere that they will find it. I chose to tape my notes on the door of our garage where my husband walked in from work each day. This first note welcomes them to the "Twelve Days of Christmas!" and presents their first gift.

Do this (notes and/or gifts) each day for twelve days. It does NOT need to be extravagant or take a lot of effort on your part to make the notes/gift boxes. The idea that you are pursuing your spouse will speak volumes. It is alright to mix in some ideas from what you believe is your spouse's secondary love language.

For example, you may know that physical touch is their primary love language but you also know that words of affirmation are important to them. Mix both throughout your 12 days. Be as creative as you want!

The following examples (below) are ideas you can use as a starting point. Once you get started it will get easier and easier to see your spouses needs and how you can meet them. Your relationship to your spouse is second only to your relationship with the Lord. Let them know that they are a priority in your life.

Commit these 12 days to the Lord in prayer. Ask Him to reveal things to you that you would not have thought of on your own.

Feel free to leave comments with any great ideas that you have! I'd also love to pray for you as you invest in your marriage. Click on the "comments" section under this post (or send me a quick e-mail) and leave your name and the name of your spouse. I will commit to praying for your marriage for the next two weeks with you. I have seen how powerful these"Twelve Days of Christmas" can be firsthand. Impactful enough for me to be doing it a second time - I hope you will join me!

May God richly bless your marriage this Christmas Season!

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Examples litsted by Love Languages:

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

1st Day "On the First Day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." 3 of the top reasons that I love you!

2nd Day "On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." notes from your children telling what makes them special.

3rd Day "On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." write out a verse and a note encouraging them with anything they may be pursuing or struggling with

*The main thing to keep in mind for words of affirmation is to be real. Speak compliments from your heart about who your spouse is and why you are thankful for them. What they teach you through their lives, etc. You could even e-mail some of their friends and get them to write out why your spouse is important to them.

QUALITY TIME

1st Day "On the First Day of Chrismtas my true love gave to me..." a warm drink and 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation. *Be prepared with questions to draw them out in case they don't jump right into conversation. Such as, "Where do you see us in a yr, 5 yrs, etc." "What would you say is the most important activity in your life right now?"

2nd Day "On the Second Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." an invitation to play your spouses favorite game. (Checkers, chess, monopoly, on line game, x-box, etc)

3rd Day "On the Third Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." a walk after dinnertime. *If you have children, try to arrange for someone to watch them for 1/2 hr -an hr.

*If this is your spouse's love language, make certain that you are completely focused on them during the times that you are offering. Do not let you cell phone, etc interrupt your focus on engaging with them in conversations or activities. TRY to learn something new that you didn't know about your spouse. They are hoping you will draw them out. Picking up a devotional book for couples may be an excellent thing to introduce and carry on even after the 12 days are finished.

RECEIVING GIFTS

1st Day "On the First Day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." a single beautiful flower or rose (for wife) a new music cd by a group you know they love (husband or wife).

2nd Day "On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me..." a candle to put at the dinner table.

3rd Day "On the Third Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." a favorite photo put into a frame.

*It is important to gradually build up to the 12th day-the last day should be the best or most special gift to your spouse. It can be as simple as picking up their favorite food from a restaurant on the way home or even their favorite drink or coffee, etc. Usually "gift" people communicate about things that they "want." Magazine subscriptions or fruit of the month clubs are great for these kinds of people. Gifts that keep on giving without a lot of continued thought or effort.

ACTS OF SERVICE

1st Day "On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." cleaning up the dishes, table, and floor after dinner.

2nd Day "On the Second Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." vaccumming any three rooms of their choice

3rd Day "On the Third Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." Letting your spouse sleep in while you take the kids out for breakfast - like Chick-fil-A, Ihop, etc. Bringing home something for your spouse to eat after waking is an added bonus.

*It is important to give without expecting others to do for you later on. This becomes especially true with this love language. Look for things that mean the most to them for you to do. Remember to smile and have a great attitude even if it means you will be doing an undesirable task.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

1st Day "On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." a neck massage.

2nd Day "On the Second Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." a foot rub.

3rd Day "On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." you can be as intimate as you choose-this is your spouse! Get creative and put some thought into what they enjoy most.

*It is important to give in ways that your spouse is affirmed the most through. Maybe rubbing feet does nothing for you, but means the world to them.

Marital Moments Issue 14 - Great Expectations

"Confucius says, 'Man who does not exceed his wife's expectations has not met them at all'..." Quote from my very wise husband :)

I will never forget my very first Mother's Day! I went to bed the night before sure that it was going to be a special day. After all, I had seen all of the commercials! Touching Hallmark moments, cards and gifts from children, breakfast in bed, people saying, "He went to Jared!"

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. There was no breakfast in bed; but I didn't get discouraged. I enjoyed spending the morning with my husband and young daughter and we had a great "Mother's Day" message at church that day. After our church service, we rushed over to a friend's church for her baby's dedication and then onto their house for a fun BBQ. However, half way through the BBQ, my beautiful daughter, (who had previously been a bit "stopped up" from beginning sweet potatoes) suddenly "worked things out" all over me! Thankfully, my friend had some extra clothes that fit us both so we were able to finish out the afternoon.

We arrived back home and it hit me that my husband really had not planned any kind of special "1st Mother's Day" surprise for me. The realization that the only flower I was going to receive would be the drooping carnation that they had passed out at church and the only "gift" from my daughter was an overflowing diaper; I was overwhelmed with disappointment. Although I had truly been blessed with a special day, my expectations had clouded my ability to embrace the beauty in it.

My husband could sense my disappointment and his first reaction was to somehow meet this expectation that I had in my mind. He zoomed off and returned a short time later with a watermelon (my favorite food), french fries from McDonalds (something we both liked), and a bird house from Home Depot. (He CLEARLY hadn't seen the same commercials as me! LOL!) But he had tried and given from his heart. Which is much better than getting something that we expect.

We both learned a lesson that day...how powerful expectations can be.

When we were engaged, we had gone through pre-marital counseling as many couples do. It was a wonderful way to get our expectations out in the open so we could enter our marriage knowing what the other expected from their spouse. But you cannot always know how your expectations will come into play as you interact with each other's families or after you have children. It is something we need to be continually keeping in mind and communicating about.

We also have to be on guard from allowing outside influences to set our expectations. Every major holiday, advertisers work overtime trying to create "need" within our minds and hearts. "If your spouse really loves you they will get ________ for you" kind of messages. Ones that if we allow ourselves to believe can cause so much hurt and disappointment.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are often times when expectations run high. It can be our expectations on the food we will eat, the gifts or appreciation that we will receive, etc.

They can also happen in a different form as well. We may be expecting family get togethers to be a hassle, Uncle Bob to be obnoxious, or little Betty to get under your skin.

As we enter this season of mass expectations, I invite you to join me as I take take a few minutes to try to write out any expectations good or bad that I might be having. Let's talk openly with our spouses about ones that they may need to know about, and surrender our expectations to the Lord. Let's allow the slate to begin clean. To begin without a demanding heart; but one that is able to be truly grateful for any blessing in store. It is one of the most beautiful gifts that we can give.

Many Blessings!

Marital Moments Issue 13 - Love Your Neighbor

I dedicate this post to my amazing husband who inspires me in so many ways to be better than I am...

When we moved to VA a little over four years ago, it was culture shock for us coming from the West Coast. We were used to "outdoor" kind of people and in truth, we are "outdoor" kind of folks. What surprised us the most was how our neighbors came and went without so much as making eye contact or nodding to each other. They came home, drove into their garage. The "drawbridge" of their castle closed, and they were no more until dawn the following day. Now, I know that all of VA is not this way. But where we live, most individuals are commuting to Washington, D.C. (at least an hr one way) daily for work. And they are TIRED when they get home. All of that to say, it has taken A LOT of time, energy, and sometimes work to get to know those we live by.

My husband noticed that our next door neighbors were not mowing their lawn. Knowing that our HOA (Home Owners Association) is very active when it comes to infractions, he was sure that they were getting letters about leaving their lawn un-mowed. So he asked the wife one day while he was out mowing if she would mind if he mowed their lawn. They have some physical limitations and my husband had decided that with his driving lawn mower it wouldn't be difficult for him to mow their lawn now and then. She told him it was alright with them if he mowed.

So he began to mow their lawn (front and back) on the days that he mowed ours. After the first summer, they had not said anything to him - no "thank you's" or kind words about him taking the time to do it...nothing. I was a little irritated that he was going out of his way to help them and they weren't even thankful. My husband was slightly bothered, but told me that he had decided he was doing it as unto the Lord and not unto men. So he continued. Year after year to mow their lawn. Then he began to trim their front tree. Asked if he could remove the stump of a dead tree in their lawn and then removed it. He put fresh wood chips around the base of the tree in their front yard when we re-mulched our yard...all the time with their permission, but not really any "thanks." Gradually, however, they began to wave. Then they waved and smiled. Then they began to stop and say, "Hello." Last summer, they began to actually walk over to our driveway and talk for small lengths of time...and they said, "Thank you" to my husband for mowing, taking care of the stump, trimming the tree and the mulch. I was amazed.

At Christmas last year, the kids and I made cookies and I had them go to several of the neighbors houses. They would ring the doorbell and sing, "We Wish You a Merry Christmas!" hand the neighbors the cookies and tell them "Merry Christmas!" They had a blast doing it. Shortly after they had given our neighbors the cookies, our doorbell rang. There on the doorstep was our next door neighbors bearing gifts for every person in our family. They had bought special Christmas candy for the kids and chocolates for us and they had taken a photo of our house at night with the Christmas Lights on and had framed it for us. We invited them in and we chatted for almost a half an hour. They told us that we would never know how much it had meant to them that we would care enough to give of ourselves for them. They hold any hint of religion at arms length, but I can tell that my husband is making an impact through his actions.

This spring, when they were heading out of town and had asked us to keep an eye on their house for them, the kids and I asked my husband if we could plant some flowers and bushes in their flower bed (at the front of their house - but had nothing but weeds in it for years.) He had just had the same idea. He worked hard to dig up the hard ground, place new soil down and each of the kids planted some flowers and my husband planted the flowering bushes. They were thrilled when they came home. We now have neighbors and friends...because my husband was willing to serve as unto the Lord and not unto men...it has impacted our marriage and our family for me (for all of us-children included) to see him lead in this way. There were times when I wanted to tell him to just quit...his time was worth more...but I am so glad that the Lord allowed me to be silent (for the most part...) and support him while he served. I am still praying for them to come to know Christ, but even if we don't reap what my husband has so generously sewn, I know that he has made an impact. I am blessed indeed...

I'd love to hear how your spouse has inspired you to be a better person! No spouse is perfect, but I believe most have at least one thing that can be inspiring...oh, and make sure to tell them how they have inspired you!

Many Blessings!